Saturday, December 7, 2013

~wanderer~

Sometimes i wonder,
I wonder if you ever think of me,
Or am I just here to fill your free time,
To take you out of boredom,
Do you want me only when you need me...

I know i can never be your first,
I cant compete with your memories,
And i cant make you forget them,
I'm nobody, I'm not perfect,
But i'll try to be the best for you,
If only i can be your last,

I wonder if there's a place for me in your heart?
If you care for me like i do for you?
In the end all that doesn't matter,
Because I know i'll still care for you..

Monday, November 25, 2013

Rain in my heart

It is raining outside just as much as my heart do. I don't know if there's something wrong that I don't know of but, i know my gut feeling is always right. For once, I do not want for it to be right. Let it just be I'm paranoid, that's better. I won't give up but I just need the strength or a steel heart. I pray that everything is alright and I can find peace in my heart. Deep inside my heart I know that I'm falling for you and willingly will hold your hand. My brain says please don't, if I'm not sure if you are going to let go.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

The Ugly Side of Life

If you ask me how am I doing? I'm  going to say I'm  fine. The truth is, I'm  in the verge of tears all the time nowadays and that's  not the side of me I  want you to know. The fact that you comfort me in my  time of need really touched me. I forget all the reason i stayed away from you. I realized I  never stop caring and thinking about you. It is my wish that someday you will have that space for me in your heart not as a rebound, not for replacement, not to share it with other womans beside your mum. For now, I  just need to gather all my strength to just live.

Life is beautiful but the ugly side of being alive is you have to deal with lost, any kind of lost.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Rambling

As much as you said you've hurt, that's how much i've hurt,
As much you want her to love you, that's how much i want you to love me,
So you wonder why you cant find love after her, or why it's hard for other girl to stay in your life..
It's because, it's not fair to be someone else secondhand love
It hurts to see you still professing her as your one true love that will never be

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

What is harrassment?

What is sexual harassment? Everything we see in the television seem so clear when it comes to identify sexual harassment. In real life it is different and we often overlooked it. I think I may had a few experience involving this matter. Like I said before it is not as clear as you may thought it would be. For me, a sexual harassment is when someone use their authority or power to harass or abuse someone whether it is mentally or physically making a person feel uncomfortable sometimes disgusted.

A harassment is even worst if it happen in any learning institution. How do you supposed to be a model, to students when you yourself cannot behave appropriately.  Last year when I was studying at IPG or Institut Pendidikan Guru, two lecturers made me feel really uncomfortable for their behaviour. One was a captain for the scout, he was well known for behaving inappropriately by ex-student, other students and lecturers. I dont understand why they just let him be and little did I know i am one of his target. I was never in scout team and I'm so grateful for that. Nevertheless, everytime there were assembly for all the Uniform Unit I'd be so  scared and nervous because he might be there. One time when we were in line following the instruction of the commander to not move, he stand right in front of me and took a lot picture of me in front of other lecturers. How could they be so blind I feel really violated. He was in front of me when there were about more than 20 other students were lining up near to me. It sucks he stay there for about 5 minute and i couldn't do anything because i would ruin everything and i think pengarah or ketua unit kokum was there. So what is sexual harassment exactly? I feel like crying but  I kept my cool. After the assembly I threw fit shouting around to a few of my close friends. I asked one of my guy friend to be closed to me all the time after that to make sure he stay away. Luckily, he did but not for long. He asked a younger student to take picture of me for him. I got mad towards the girl eventhough it is not her fault. I managed to stay away from the perrvert for quite awhile after that. But nevertheless i kept hearing story from my guy friends about him talking about me. I may sound paranoid but when it happen to you it is scary.

Other incident involving the captain was when my history lecturer's car broke down, so he called someone from his department to help him. Unfortunately the captain came, he offered himself to help my lecturer. He came down to our class after he finished fixing the car and asked for permission to see me. I refuse at first as I have no business to see him, I'm not in his class and in scout. Out of respect and assurance from my classmate it will be fine, I went out. Few of my friends shout out "we'll keep an eye on you, just shout if you need us" they said. When I was outside the class, he was looking at me from top to bottom really creepily then asked if I am  ok, am i healthy and such, his behaviour really made me uncomfortable. I said to him assertively I need to get back to class and reminded him that was his boss in the class, I never wait for his respond I just went away. After class, I gave my history lecturer a ride home and he asked me about the captain he said 'he is kind of pervert isn't he?" i told him that the captain is certainly a pervert not kind of. I guess he did gave some kind of warning to the captain. I found out the next day from a guy friend of my mine he was telling the guys in my class that I excepted his proposal. Huh?! Is he imagining thing now? He was actually texting the guys in my class telling this that were no true. That's to much! I asked the guys in my class especially those in scout to help me to do something. They asked me to be calm and keep my head together as we know our marks and grades are given by the lectuter and he is kind of influential. So from what they told me they'd asked him to stay away and i'm not the kind of girl who's going to keep quiet, they'll protect me if he keep harassing. I never really know what exactly they told him but i'm just glad it is over.

Then there's the second lecturer who did almost exactly what the captain did to me. I'd try to ignore it at first,
but I cannot help it when he showed few classes he taught pictures of me he took candidly. I immediately asked for the pictures and asked him to delete it in front of the class. I told him assertively to make sure he understands that I'm not kidding. I never wanted anything like this to happen again and I don't want this to happen to other student. I was lucky enough to get myself out of trouble maybe because I was older and I'm not even staying in the hostel. Just imagine if this kind of things happen to those who came to this institution straight after finishing their spm, they are still so naive and can be easily manipulated. Knowledge of self defense will help a lot.

I wish other lecturer will be more alert and be willingly to take action to this inappropriate behaviour. It happen in higher learning institution and in school, places we thought kids and teenagers should be safe and protected. It just disgust me that these kind of people are not afraid and so bravely show their sick behaviour.

Monday, August 12, 2013

“The lane of love is narrow; there is room for only one”

How could a broken heart be shattered into million pieces just as a broken glass. The small little pieces is the worst as it is the hardest to put back together. No matter how hard you try, the little pieces will always be missing.

Why do I feel that I'm losing him for real now, and it hurt so much more. No communications killing me, but I know it was my choice to stay away. He gets it I guess or we are just tired of.. I don't know..everything. My action itself kills me inside, now i dont understand my decision. I pray for guidance from God but  maybe i'm so lost that I cannot see my way..

I Just want you to know, when I start to distant myself theres just so many times I almost called you. You are always in my dreams, makes it even harder for me not to think about you.. A simple wishes from you means the world to me..I really do miss you, why did I even pushed you away.

The lane of love is narrow; there is room for only one, as the Indian aphorism goes. I dont even know if there's even space for me anymore. I actually did gave you the chance you asked for but maybe everything were just too blurry.....I wish there's a little space left for me in your heart~

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

L.O.V.E....Ain't it Funny

No, I'm not saying love is funny. It's just that, kids nowadays says love out of habit. Maybe they're just being expressive through their word but isn't love is such a strong word, just as hate. You don't say you hate someone out of habit do you?? So what i'm saying is, it's funny when I read somewhere in any social networks or hear teenagers proclaiming 'I love you' just as much as they're saying fuck nowadays. 

The realization of this makes me feel every word is just a word with no meaning, you just spit it out in case you are scared of being alone or you're hoping someone says they love you back. The word LOVE for me is supposed to be so valuable and should be said only when  you feel so strongly about it and then you wouldn't ever want to take it back regardless of the circumstances.  As for saying that, I also believed action do speak louder than words. If you say you love a lady and act like shit that is just bullshit.

I hope the real value of the word LOVE will be restored someday...someday perhaps

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Am I Being to Picky?? na-ahh

Kak Noor is one of two young mother in our class. She is like 29 or something with a seven years old son. I know,  this maybe not to young for some. But exactly how young is too young, how old is too old? Kak Noor is an interesting person. She is married with a guy who is a lot older than she is and she got married during her early twenties. Back to the question, i'm thinking about this because of Kak Noor. One day during class, she asked me and my friend Nay why are we still single. She says, the two of us are being to picky then, she keep calling out the boys name and suggest we should go out with them. Well, I just laugh. It's not like love will just happen miraculously. When she was 20, she 's already to matured for her age. Her traditional upbringing influenced her into thinking certain ways, she believed love can be build after marriage. She had a lot of men who went and asked her parents for permission to marry her. She made her choice. When asked what's her reason to choose, she says she picked someone who is going to be easy to take care.

As for me, I don't think i'm being too picky if it's about my life and who i'm going to spent the rest of my life with. I don't want to settle for less. Less for me is not about wealth or look, it's about love..true love. Yup, I can't believe it myself but I want true love. I don't want to be with someone just because it is convenient or just because all of my friends is getting married. I can't imagine myself being with someone just because i've reached a certain age where I should get married. For now, I'm still not sure whether i've found my true love or not. Maybe it's in front of me but I can't see it but, I know love for sure. I've been to selfish in the past not to except it as it is. Well, if it's true love it'll find it's way.....

p.s. some decision is hard to make, but then you can't be pleasing everyone to find your own happiness


Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Death

Just the word  'death' gives me chill. For the pass few weeks or rather few months i've seen dear friends lost their loved one, I lost friend who were once close to me ( I still can't except it & havent contacted old friends regarding this, I dont want this to be real).  Just few days ago, it is confirmed that one of the main actor in Glee Cory Monteith has died. It seem unreal when the show is still playing on tv with all the actors were dancing and singing cheerfully. All of these seem unreal....

A few months ago, a dear friend told me his uncle has passed away. I felt really bad, really worst and there's nothing I could do to make him feel better. I know, whatever I said to him wont make him feel any different, he lost his father figure...I hope the family will make it through this ordeal and grow stronger together. My prayer will always be with them.

Miracle is what everyone need. But then, miracle will only be joyfull celebration if it stays a miracle. Reality could change it to worst. I guess that's reality. Just when my friend woke up from coma, starting to post in facebook how he wanted to change his lifestyle to better due to the unfortunate event, everything turned out to worst. He passed out on the way home and was sent back to the hospital. This time it does not look good and he lost his battle. When I heard of this I feel numb, I cannot get myself to call any of my old colleagues and still cant. RIP. All the students lost a great teacher.

My grandfather passed away a month before I was born and this year will be his 26th year anniversary and there will be prayer to comemorate 'bapa' as we call him this saturday. I can't imagine what our birth bring  to the family. They were still grieving at the time. I never knew Bapa, but as i'm preparing the short movie for this saturday I can see that he is a cool father. He likes to wear sunglasses. As we gather this coming Saturday, I pray that a part of you will always stay with me and all the cousins even when we do not know you personally. When you are looking down from heaven please guide us in life :)

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Mid 20 early 30 crisis (Is there even such thing)

I never thought that this moment will come. No!! not getting married. It is the opposite. My best friend and my cousin going to get married this year. I'm the character in a sad pathethic drama where people will ask "when will be your turn? " Damn this people. Go Away!! Shoo!! even  when they're not saying anything they will look at me like i'm a weirdo or something. This would not be as bad if i'm not single.

I think i'm cursed. I never understood this before. Few of my guy friends actually told me about this exact problem they having. I found that guy feel this pressure even more than girls or maybe only guys feel comfortable enough to talk to me. Guess what?? You can't really understand what other's going through until you went through the same situation. I under estimate the feeling of loneliness and i'm sorry for not really being there for those who confided in me. Back up plan. Is it stupid to count on my back up plan now or does he even remember to be the back up plan. Whatever, I think he is the one who cursed me. Why?? he said this to me " If i'm not married when I'm thirty I know someone else who wont be to, that's you so i know i'm safe". my reply. "you suck, u don't even know when i'm going to get married". Hey, if these friends is almost thirty and they went through the same situation as i do, that's mean i'm still okay I guess (but they are guys, no biological clocks ticking)

I do believe in true love but I think too much, take a long time to make a decision...............

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Wasn't Mine

Guess what you weren't mine at the first place. So, that means i didn't lose you, you were never mine.......

What if, everything happen differently
What if, you never met her
What if, you meet me first
What if, i just gave the chance you've asked for... What if...

Who am I kidding. I was your back up plan. She is never gone from your life. Even when you said I  am your future, she is still in your mind. How I wish you were more sensitive. I'd stayed away not because i don't have feeling for you. I was hoping what you ever said you felt for me was real that you will come for me. A girl take time to say yes because she dont ever want to get hurt again. I just wished you choose to leave her for good and move on. Instead, you chose to show it to my face bring her to our farewell dinner for what.. I was smiling, but the truth is my heart broke into pieces. It felt like you smashed me and i can't breathe... No farewell, no nothing.. Just a bad memory

P.s. What's with models??

Monday, February 18, 2013

Work??? my mind seem to wander around so much these days

Wooohooo!!

I'm writing while i'm at the office. Done with class and i'm not in the mood to continue with work. I want to cry but  there's no place to. I think i've cried when i'm asleep. I feel like i havent slept at all last night. All the promises he made are all just lies and i'm stupid for even believeng a single word he said.

What's with models?? what's so cool abt them. Shit!! why do guys always choose models over me. FU!! stupid that this happen to me more than once.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Unfinish

Here's a song i wrote for you
there may be a sad song in your heart
you should've known why
what u give u get back

You can't have too much love
it's not good for your heart
the Dr says it so
your heart can't contain too much love

For me, I dont wanna be victoria from HIMYM
and she shouldnt be your Robin
Dont ever call me JANE
Cos' I know its her you were thinking about

I know you truly care and love her
why dont you fight for her
i dont wanna be someone secondhand love
If there's some truth in what you told me
I hope you will come reaching for me
but, if not...then, i'll pretend that everything is just fine


I feel so stupid. Enough said.

Monday, January 14, 2013

2013 Has Arrived!!!

Dear me,

Pls keep your cool. It is still too early. Besides, the beginning of a new year always seem promising. Anyway, anyhow i'm glad with my decision. But still, i can't help the awkwardness.

Really wishing n hoping that everything will turn out fine this time around.

It's not too late for new year resolution  I guess. This year I wish to be more courageous, open abt my feeling and break the no affection curse that's been passed down to me by mum ( she even admitted that ^^)

"Hope, Faith n Love. And the greatest of this is love"

p.s. my heart melt everytime I hear that soothing voice